Tactical Strategies For Your Thanksgiving Food Fight
ADMIT IT! You've been waiting all year for this.
This could have been a nice meal but Uncle Gary had to bring up politics.
That little snot-nosed know-it-all college student went all "WOKE" and now the annoying little jerk won't quit lecturing everyone about things he knows nothing about.
That kid who should still be at the card table with the other kids was promoted to the adult table and he does not look any happier about it than you are that he is there. Yet at the same time, he feels too old to be put back at the card table with the other kids.
Grandpa is talking and not aware that nobody is listing to him. At the same time he can't hear anyone because he's stone deaf in his old age and his hearing aids are squeaking in feedback noise.
Grandma is telling her daughter-in-law about everything she did wrong with the meal in the sweetest most condescending tone possible.
Mom has had about enough of grandma and is about to blow her top.
Dad just decided to ignore everyone. That is why he is smiling. His blissful smile is annoying everyone. He will get mashed potato-faced.
When no one is looking your way - start lining up your ammo.
There is plenty that you can hide in your napkin on your lap.
Turn your plate in such a way as to be able to grab and hurl each item in the different directions you intend.
If the bread rolls were made too hard keep a few in your lap. They are perfect for headshots. If they are on the soft side then stuff them with mush food. They make great exploding bombs.
Keep as many of the items that are still in their dishes in the center of the table close to you and out of the reach of other people.
The Food Fight Is About To BEGIN!
Smile sweetly at the person across from you, so they don't suspect what is coming,
But if you think they are targeting you like you are them, then nod toward somebody else and see if you can get them to launch the first strike together at that person.
BUT THAT IS YOUR PLOY! They will throw at Grandpa thinking you are going to do the same but you are actually targeting them.
Keep both hands moving at all times. Blind your opponent with a splash from your water glass with your left hand while your right hand is reloading from the stuffing dish.
Cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and stuffing are great for when you want to spray the room and hit just about everybody. Grab a fist full and just fling wildly. With that shotgun approach, you'll probably hit several people.
Only toss drum sticks if you are good at knife throwing. They are a good cross-the-room projectile. If you can't throw then use it to bonk the person standing next to you.
Carved turkey slices and ham can be flung like ninja stars. Well cut pieces are like little frisbees if you flick them correctly.
Dark meat must be thrown overhand. It hits harder.
Flicking food using a spoon adds good momentum and helps with aim.
Use wine to stain the favorite dresses and shirts of the people who you want to remember who attacked them each time they see that article of clothing.
Throwing Fruit Cake was outlawed by the Geneva Convention as too brutally hard of an object and possibly a biochemical hazard.
NEVER THROW DESERT! That is for eating later as you celebrate your victory, or as comfort food for those in tears.